Blog

Survivor Guilt: Destructive or Instructive?

While many Park Avenue tenants are comfortably sequestered in their peaceful summer homes with spacious grounds, their fellow New Yorkers are having trouble sleeping due to the unceasing wail of sirens. Many have died. Many suffered a long time, near death, but somehow recovered. The joy of their recovery is dampened by their guilt – the guilt survivors commonly feel. They survived, while others did not.

Unlike the wealthy New Yorkers, I didn’t have to leave town to be in a safe place. I live in one. Unlike those with inadequate resources, I could have left town if I needed to. It is wise to feel unsettled about that.

Survivor guilt is quite normal. Depending upon what you do with it, it can be either meaningless or transformative, destructive or instructive. It is meaningless when we flee from it like fleeing from the memory of the illness itself. It is instructive when we sit at its feet and learn from it. It is destructive when we torment ourselves with the question “Why?” Why did I survive when so many others did not? Does my life have more value than theirs? Am I blessed but they are not?

Survivors may well have some physiological quality that helped save them. Or maybe they were just lucky. For some, they survived because their wealth allowed them to have decades of better nutrition, less financial stress. They lived in safer neighborhoods. They were not weakened by other medical conditions or mental health conditions.

Even though the wealthy might think that God has been good to them, Jesus pushed the point that it isn’t so. The poor and sick are not out of favor with God. That isn’t what is happening. God’s goodness is scattered equally to all, he said.

These are the kinds of things that are instructive about survival when others perish. They only come with reflection, which is positive use of the guilt.

The wealthy in their safe quarters may not feel guilt for surviving. They haven’t been taken to school about injustice and chance the way survivors have. They might have come out of this more awakened had they stayed and served in their communities.

Awakened, survivors understand their responsibility to work for justice and fairness. It is sobering, as it should be.

Aid Application Frustration

Doing the same thing over and over again, hour after hour without success. The channels are clogged for people out of work applying for government aid. So too for small businesses that face insolvency in a matter of weeks.

What this process takes is very emotionally taxing, frustrating and discouraging for most people. Yet this is what many of us, our family members, friends and neighbors are having to do with financial survival at stake. We see on the news that some people are keeping count of the number of times they have called and not gotten through or applied online and pushed the final submit button and nothing happened. It can be hundreds of times before success comes. Many people are still in that process.

There is a way to minimize mental/emotional wear and tear. These same things work for applying for jobs, when we are at that stage.

First, treat this like a job. This is now what you have to do. Approach it with the same discipline. On this job, you are both boss and employee. The boss part of you makes the plan. The employee part carries it out, even when you don’t feel like it. This really helps. Maybe even physically put on different hats for each role.

Second, as boss, make a plan. What is the task? What materials do you need to collect to make the applications?  Establish a work schedule similar to your usual workday. Set start and stop times. Build in breaks. If you live with other people, let them know your schedule so they will not interrupt you. This can be hard for small children and pets. Set up a conducive workspace to do the task, like phone calls or online applications. Does some music help? What kind?

Then, as employee, follow the plan. Gather the materials. The work task is done repeatedly until an application is successfully filed. Some paid jobs are like this anyway. Keep the schedule, including breaks. Don’t let feelings and thoughts distract you. They are not helpful. You can indulge them when you are not working.

Will counting the number of attempts help? It may for some people, as a mark of your accomplishment. For others, not.

You can’t afford to have the mindset of failure. With each attempt, you are doing what you are supposed to do even if it is not successful. No, “I’m such a loser” kind of thoughts. Be a good supervisor to yourself. Be encouraging. With each attempt, many others are doing the same thing at exactly the same time. So, it is just a matter of luck when you will get the application submitted.

If you are calling to make the application, when you get through to a real person, help make their day. Don’t complain. It is not their fault. Be pleasant, maybe even with some humor. Theirs is a stressful job.

Then, be grateful and relieve. Yes. We are all in this together. That is how it works.

The Greeks and Romans called luck Fortuna.

Good fortune to you.

Is This a Marathon?

I dreamt that I was in a marathon. But I’m a sprinter. I hadn’t signed up for this race, and I couldn’t get out of it either. And no one knew how much farther it was to the finish line. I felt distress and confusion and saw the same in the faces around me. Terrified, I woke up.

I woke up to find it was real. We can’t get out of this and don’t know how much longer it will be. But is it a race we are in to get this over? I decided to go back to sleep and finish the dream.

This time I found myself among a flock of geese high in the air on a long migration. This was very different from the marathon. Despite the dangerous situation, it felt strangely peaceful. Geese can only migrate by sticking together and working together. The flock felt strong and committed. By flying together, migrating birds actually create the conditions that make such a long journey possible. No geese are strong enough to do it on their own. Flying together in formation, they create draft that eases their way so they can go farther and farther. They must stick together, simultaneously helping and being helped. Helping and being helped. Pulled along by their combined effort, they can go many times farther than they ever could alone.

This is how front-line pandemic workers are doing it. It is demanding, dangerous and of unknown duration. And it is only possible by sticking together as a team. Together, they create the conditions that make it possible. Even though they may not know the person working next to them at any given moment, they are in the same flock, honking reassurance to each other.

“I’m here.”

“I’m here.”

This is how the rest of us are doing it as well.

Dangerous Thoughts

“I think it will be all right. It seems safe enough.”

The Surgeon General of the United States is concerned about the next couple of weeks determining our ability to flatten the curve and relieve the pressure on our emergency services. He is asking for greater compliance with the best practices they have established for our mutual safety. This means following them consistently, even when we don’t think we need to. Masks are the latest requests, with compliance not so good. So, it is timely to refresh our understanding of what leads us to make exceptions and not follow best practices, especially when they are being imposed on us. Many of us rebel against that.

While there are several lines of reasoning that tempt us to not comply, they all lead to the thought, “I think it will be alright. It seems safe enough.” We can listen for that thought, and ones like it. When we think like that, we are trusting our own judgment instead of people whose judgment is based on far more data than we have.

“I thought it would be alright.” Painfully, as a psychologist I have heard this expressed by many professionals who knowingly did not follow professional boundaries and best practices. They thought things would be alright because that is what they wanted to believe. But things went bad and out of their control. People got hurt.

“I think it will be alright” has led to many disasters that would not have occurred if people had followed guidelines instead of their own judgment. Lest we think we are immune to this kind of thinking, among the disasters due to not following guidelines was the Space Shuttle explosion. These were intelligent people. So also, were the people who died on Mt. Everest from not heeding the 2pm rule of the mountain, to turn back toward camp at that time regardless of how close you are to the summit. Some of the climbers convincing themselves and each other that it would be alright. There hadn’t been bad weather in a long time. An unexpected snowstorm came up and many people died. Others were put at risk to try to rescue them.

Tragically, a community choir recently encountered unnecessary illness and death. They thought it would be safe to get together and sing to lift their spirits because there had been no reported cases of COVID-19 infection in their county. “It hasn’t happened around here. I think it will be alright.” This is called distance bias. Even though it has happened elsewhere, if it hasn’t happened around here, we don’t take the threat as applying to our location. That was there; this is here, the reasoning goes. Well, it did happen to this choir. With this virus, it can happen anywhere.

Of course our minds will want to find exceptions to make things easier, get us what we want or not make us look foolish wearing a mask, for instance. Let us be vigilant, recognize when these thoughts when they occur and not follow them. Thank others for doing the same and encourage those that don’t.

The Sidewalk Dance of Social Distancing

/

Going for a walk in our neighborhood, it is delightful to engage in social distancing with other walkers and joggers. People move onto the grass to give safe passage to the walkers they meet. The walkers wave in thanks. Joggers will go into the street’s bike path until the walkers have passed. For many, this virus has brought an increase is situational awareness and collaboration.

The skills of situational awareness and collaboration will serve us well when we again share the roads with many other drivers. Driving is the largest scale cooperative activity we engage in. From the air over a large city, we can see it for the beautiful collaboration that it is. We can also see the few people who make things unpredictable and unsafe. While they are the exceptions, when we are driving, we can stay preoccupied with them.

Collaborative driving involves knowing where you are in the flow of traffic and what your role is at any given time. It only works by following the rules and best practices, just like coronavirus safety. This is a sacred responsibility. Just as with social distancing, with driving, someone’s life is in your hands while your life in in theirs. Sometimes the thing to do is yield to another driver. Other times it is to speed up to make room for them merging. At all times, it is to be calm, aware and in the spirit of wishing everyone well.

Many of us are hoping we can come out of this crisis able to live the awareness of mutual vulnerability and mutual responsibility far better than we did before. Driving is one arena for doing that.

The sidewalk dance of social distancing is a thing of beauty and joy. Driving that way is even more so.

Churches Spreading Disease

For Christians, Holy Week is upon us. Are all the churches in your community holding services that are safe? The answer affects all of us.

According to a Religious News Service report of April 1, 12% of survey respondents in the U.S. say their church is still meeting in person. The governors of Florida and Texas have now classified religious gathers as essential services, making them exempt from the rule limiting gathering size.

The minister of a megachurch in Texas, a pastor in Florida and one in Louisiana have all been arrested for violating state orders against gatherings over a certain size. It was deliberate defiance.

Some Catholics are pressuring their Bishops to re-institute the in-person administration of the sacraments. They are claiming religious persecution from having them be suspended for public health reasons.

There are many justice issues involved in how the pandemic is being managed. Among them, is that some ministers are responding in ways that risk spreading COVID-19 while so many others are staying disciplined. And the ministers are doing this under the cover of religion. They are pressuring governors to classify worship as an essential service, like grocery stores. Some governors are doing so, putting at risk the good work so many people are doing to save lives and create the conditions for people to safely return to work.

One of the criteria for what makes a behavior pathological is that is causes harm. Drinking, shopping and exercise can all be done to an extreme where they cause harm. Then they are pathological, unhealthy. In the case of the pandemic, some religious people are recklessly risking doing harm. There can be various reasons and motives. Pastor Tony Spell claims that it is impossible for members of his congregation to get infected. He believes the virus is attracted to fear. His people are not afraid, so they are not at risk. This is really pathology expressed as religion. Some Christians may be distraught, fearful that without receiving the sacraments in person, their immortal soul is at risk. The element of religion does not make this anxiety less pathological. Some religious leaders may truly believe that the pandemic is a government hoax perpetrated to justify martial law. The cover of religion does not change that they pose a danger to their community. Some who are objecting just seem offended that religious gatherings are being officially classified and nonessential. Freedom of religion does not mean the freedom to do harm.

The vast majority of clergy in our country have worked long hours to make their services be both safe and meaningful with technologies like YouTube and Zoom. Roman Catholics are using the well-established practice of spiritual communion. While some insist it cannot be real worship if it is not done in the usual way, the proof is in the pudding. The vast majoring of clergy are proving meaningful worship safely, without physically gathering,

We are in a campaign to protect each other. We should not stand by and let people be hurt by the pathology or rigidity of a few who happen to be clergy or happen to be expressing it through religion. College students were called out for their spring break carelessness. We need to call out religious leaders as well. It is a justice issue. This is what love of neighbor looks like now.

Mental Hug!

Yes, there are virtual hugs, where you are online with a friend and you each pick an emoticon and have the emoticons hug. But far better is a good old-fashioned mental hug, worth resurrecting in this time of safe distancing.

In college, I was really close with my cousin Greta. Our colleges were within a couple hours’ drive, but we often spoke by phone. The first time, she closed by declaring “Mental hug!” From my silence she detected that I hadn’t heard of such a thing, so she gave me instruction. “Just close your eyes, put your mind where I am and give me a hug. I will do the same.” It worked! I could feel it, physically feel the love we had for each other. We did this many times over the years.

Virtual hugs with emoticons are a nice gesture, but they seem kind of external and flat compared to hugging through imagination, which is experiential, visceral. There is longstanding research that what we vividly imagine doing activates things in the body as if we were doing them physically. These responses are on a micro level, but they are beneficial. And hugs activate the release of Oxytocin, which brings feelings of happiness and reduces physiological stress. Boy do we need that!

The same happens from petting your cat or dog. But it works best when we give it our undivided attention and really savor it, even if briefly. As part of this savoring, many kinds of animals purr, those some outside the frequency that we can hear. Purring, like making a humming sound, amplified the experience, taking it to the level of bliss. I believe it does so for us humans as well, with our pets and when we hug each other physically or mentally. Blissful humming is especially helpful for mental hugs. We need to get over feeling self-conscious or weird to get the full benefit. Remember, hugs are mutual. The deeper you let yourself go, the deeper your partner can go.

So, during this time of safe distancing when we long for touch, let’s use mental hugs. Don’t multitask with it. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Concentrate, including on how much you care for the other person or pet. Hugging involves both receiving and giving simultaneously. Focus on both parts. Welcome the feeling into your body, mind, heart and spirit. Savor it. Enjoy how good it feels. Purr and let the hug wash through you deeply and fully, mentally sharing it with your hug partner.

Spread the word. Mental hug!

Feeling Good While Falling Short

Human beings tend to take responsibility for things outside our control. It goes way back. Early humans assumed natural calamities where somehow their fault, that they had offended the gods and were being punished. We still have that inclination we must counteract with reason. Children blame themselves when their parents’ divorce.

The most common source of stress is where needs and resources don’t match up. Where our resources are not adequate to deal with what we are facing. Sometimes that stress is self-induced because our perception is off. Either things aren’t as bad as we think (which the anxious mind can do), or our resources and abilities are more adequate than we think (which the depressed mind can do).

Today, around the world, stress is based on the reality of the situation more than not. Hospitals are understaffed, undersupplied and underfunded. Professional can’t meet the needs with their usual standards. People are dying that wouldn’t be otherwise. Individuals can’t make their rent obligations. People need more food than they can afford. All kinds of resources are inadequate to meet the demand.

And so, we help each other out. Some would argue that the problem is a matter of distribution. There is enough food in the world. There is enough money. Those things are just not in the hands of the people who currently need them the most. It is a justice issue.

That said, individuals are burning out because their resources, including time and energy, are not adequate to meet their responsibilities and needs. Of course, people need to do the best they can with the resources within their control. Beyond that, we must psychologically limit our sense of moral responsibility to what we and others realistically can do and feel good about that. Let’s not be hard on others because what they can do is not enough. Hospital workers, first responders and decision makers must care for themselves by going to bed feeling good about what they were able to do, not focused on how they fell short. People going to the food bank for the first time should feel good about how well they manage what they have and not shame themselves that it isn’t enough. When you manage your money well and still can’t pay the rent, don’t lose pride. This is what love of self looks like.

On the other side, let’s not fault people for what is not within their control. And let’s stop others when they do so. This is what love of neighbor looks like.

Exploit? Or Be Generous?

What should you charge for a ventilator, medical mask, bottle of hand sanitizer? Should you sell it for as much as you can get? Sell it for cost? Give it away, like Elon Musk? How do you determine a just-right markup? Or, do you make states and hospitals engage in bidding wars, driving the price up, advantaging the wealthy over the poor? The way we answer has life and death implications. These are justice issues.

In response to the needs created by the pandemic, we see both heroic, self-sacrificing efforts to help as well as egregiously predatory efforts to exploit the situation. We see businesses giving things away or pricing them as low as possible. We also see that prosecutors are busy fielding complaints of price gouging of the goods we need due to the pandemic. Amazon reports it has removed more than half a million of its product listings because of price gouging.

“Why are you helping so generously?” “Why are you taking advantage of that person?” The answer to both is the same: “Because I can.” Both the desire to help and the urge to exploit are built into us as human beings. Both have evolutionary value. It is helpful to understand that.

Regarding how to price goods and services, social norms are tilted to favor exploitation. The standard in setting prices? Charge what the market will bear. In times of scarcity and great need, people who can will pay a lot more. So, the norm is, you are a fool if you do not charge more. But can we adopt a different standard and be economically sound?

When my wife and I were planning to remodel our kitchen, we got quickly discouraged by the cost of cabinets with wood that we liked. We felt that we could only afford something we wouldn’t really like. Someone recommended a cabinet maker they said was affordable. We were skeptical but decided to have him give us an estimate. He started by showing us samples of wood and asked what we liked. My wife said, “What do they cost? I don’t want to fall in love with something I can’t afford.” “Oh, they cost the same.” Seeing how incredulous we were, he explained. “They all cost me the same, so I just add my standard markup.” Well, now we could afford something that gives us joy every day.

To price your goods and services as low as possible rather than as high as possible means more people can benefit from what you have to offer. But that is a different ethic. The purpose of a business would be to do good in the world, not its purpose being to make as much money as possible. On a personal level, think of how many more people could afford to own homes if we didn’t sell them to the highest bidder. Let’s consider that when we sell ours.

Many of us are hoping that as individuals and as a society we will come through this pandemic better than we were before. More compassionate. More just. Having our standard behavior be more in line with our best values.